Bible and Quran, toys in the hands of Nigerians!

I had read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation before I became a teenager. I have been a voracious reader from my childhood. The Bible became my favourite literature in my early days because of the passages that have interesting story lines. However, l skipped the hard core passages like Deuteronomy, Psalms, Proverbs and, wait for it, Lamentations.

My addiction to the Bible became so intense that my old man had problem sharing it with me. In fact, I thought I would wind up in a monastery later in life considering the rate I was going. One evening, I vanished with the Holy Writ to read the accounts of Samson, in particular his encounter with Delilah that ended in tragedy. When I emerged with the Book tucked under my armpit, the old man rebuked me and asked me to stop being a Bible thief because I took it without his permission. Looking back now, I wonder why he did provide one for me.

Permit me to digress a bit here. Until I read about the travails of Samson, I had been locked in a running battle with a buddy over the ownership of an Indian diva. What turned out to be the final face-off took place one afternoon. As the hostilities escalated, I reached for my rival’s jugular and was steadily choking life out of him. After struggling in vain to rescue his fragile neck from my lethal grip, he applied wisdom by poking his fingers into my midsection. Tickled, I responded with an involuntary laughter and my hands flew off his neck.

He ran off so fast you would think his legs were not touching the ground. I went in his pursuit right into his father’s sitting room. I wrestled him down and pummeled him with the fury of a jealous boy. Then all of a sudden, I began to float in the mid-air.

At first, I thought I was going on rapture (as I had read in the Bible) until I was hurled out of the sitting room and crashed on the concrete floor. The “rapture man” turned out to be my friend’s dad who had come to the rescue of his beleaguered son from my fists of fury. When he asked us what precipitated our bitter fight, we simply panted away. How could we explain the senselessness of warring in Kumasi, Ghana, over a screen goddess plying her trade in faraway India who did not even know that we existed?

So, after reading about Samson’s final moments in the hands of the Philistines, occasionally wiping off tears from my eyes, I developed a phobia for anything in skirts for many years! We were on our way to school one morning when I decided to reconcile with my friend and told him he could have the voluptuous Indian girl, Shakira or whatever she was called, all to himself and wished him good luck.

What has inspired this is the recent revelation made by the former Minister of the Federal Capital Territory, John Udoedehe, alleging that the immediate past governor of Akwa Ibom state, now a senator, Godswill Akpabio, administered fetish oath to politicians in the state to extract absolute loyalty from them during his administration.

The traducer said the ex-governor was so suspicious of his aides, including his deputy, secretary to the state government, and commissioners that he had to back up their loyalty guarantee with “mbiam”. “Mbiam” is a fetish word in Ibibio.
The former minister absolved himself of such oath-taking, saying “I don’t do politics of ‘mbiam’; that is why they can betray me”.

Recall that Udoedehe was Akpabio’s campaign manager in 2006 when the latter was running for governor. But Akpabio’s spokesman, Anietie Ekong, rushed to dismiss Udoedehe’s accusation as a “careless talk that shouldn’t be given any prominence”.
It is customary to get public officers to hold the Holy Books while taking an oath of office in this country in the belief that they will fear God or Allah while discharging their duties. But this has not been working, hence the covert recourse to “mbiam” or “sango”. This is simply because almost all the so-called believers in government have sold their souls to the devil. To them, the fear of gods, not God, is the beginning of wisdom.

Now, let me share this experience with you. I had gone to a cocoyam seller in a town called Ikirun in Osun state. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew I was a lover of the root crop. The woman told me she had run short of the commodity and that what she had left was barely enough for her family. From there, I left for my usual evening football practice in company of a playmate.

About three hours later, I returned home only to be confronted with an accusation of cocoyam theft by the same woman. She said I must have sneaked back into her kitchen to help myself.
A motley crowd had gathered in front of our house awaiting my arrival. And when they confronted me with the accusation, I told them to look elsewhere for the thief even as I tossed ‘guguru and epa’ into my mouth.

They did not believe me. When I told them I had an alibi, which they misunderstood for Alibay, the moniker of one of my friends named Ali Balogun, they quickly summoned him. But Alibay told them that he was allergic to cocoyam and had nothing to do with the theft.
The drama was still unfolding when my guardian’s wife returned from the market and enquired what was amiss. She was angry that I was fingered for the theft. Nevertheless, she pulled me aside and asked for the truth.

I confessed the truth: I stole no cocoyam. To shorten a long drama, she announced to the curious gathering that she would summon “sango”, the god of thunder, to strike down the thief. And before you could spell s-a-n-g-o, a dark cloud began to gather even as we were in a dry season. Then a rumble was heard from afar. While the onlookers had their hearts in their mouths, I was munching “guguru and epa” in mine.  I guess they must have reasoned among themselves thus: “This bold, petty thief is having his last supper and he does not even know it.”

Then suddenly, a young woman broke through the laager, rendered her confession and begged for forgiveness. If the cocoyam owner had been swearing at the thief using the Bible and Quran, the thief would have been laughing inside her belly. But she feared “sango”, the ruthless god of retribution. Yes, nobody tries that kind of nonsense with that deity. God would not have as well struck down the thief if called upon to do so. But He is known to reserve punishment for the Judgement Day.

But if public office holders take their oath of office holding the lightning rod or with their hands on “mbiam” instead of the Holy Books which they regard as harmless toys, they would behave themselves. All the thieving public servants and politicians hugging billions will not brood that shenanigan with those ruthless gods for fear of being struck down on the spot!
What a pity.

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