My intervention on the dismissal of former government spokesmen and media aides as morally unit to criticise any government they are not a part of, elicited a ton of responses. Many asked for the original piece that instigated the debate, and this week I yielded this space to the author of the satire, Jaafar Jaafar. Enjoys – Kakanda
By Jaafar Jaafar
“Baba, let’s go straight to the issues trending in the media. Nigerians are worried about your frequent junkets, saying there are important matters needing your attention at home.
“First of all, let me say that I was in Niger Republic to discuss with President ‘Mohammed Yusif’ issues of regional cooperation towards fighting insurgency. These ragtag criminals called Boko Haram will soon be eliminated. I was in Chad also, where I met with President Idris ‘Baby’ and discussed issues of regional alliance towards having a secure border and ending insurgency.
“But why don’t you send your deputy to represent you, so that you can attend to important matters at home?
“I have no problem sending ‘Osunbade’ to represent me anywhere in the world if the need arises. But for now, my presence is needed in those countries I visited. You can recall that I sent ‘Osunbade’ to Sudan. My visit to West Germany was on the invitation of President ‘Michelle’. Very soon I will be in Dahomey and Gold Coast on a working visit. In Gold Coast, I will meet with ‘Coffee’ Annan to thank him for ensuring the peaceful conduct of election in Nigeria. Next month it will be Senegambia and Zaire. So if President ‘Mussolini’ of Italy extends invitation to me on how to end Boko Haram, I will honour the invitation. You see, it is not for my pleasure that I travel frequently, it is for Nigeria. The terrorism in the Northern ‘Protectorate’ can spread to Southern ‘Protectorate’ if we did not seek alliance with our neighbours.
“You are now going to South Africa, may we know the purpose of this visit?
“Well I am going to ‘Johanes-vogue’ to first thank President Zuma ‘Yakubu’ for supporting Mr ‘Ade-sinner’ to be the MD of African Development ‘Board’. Second issue is xenophobia. Third issue is how to improve our electoral system. You know Independent ‘Nigerian’ Electoral Commission (Eye-Neck) has done well by introduction of card reader in the last general elections.
“Sir, you mentioned West Germany… I am sure you meant to say Germany. You may be aware that Berlin Wall is now opened, and West and East Germany are now one nation…
“When did President Michelle do that? If Berlin Wall is demolished, Nasir el-Rufai would have told me… (laughs)
“Ok Sir. Rumours are making the rounds that former minister of Petroleum Resources has returned huge sums of money to the nation’s coffers. And that you negotiated that when you had in-flight meeting with her on your way to the UK.
“It was just a mere coincidence that I met Diezani ‘Ojo-Madueke’ aboard British ‘Caledonia’ flight to London. I have no any business with her except that her husband was a military governor under my regime as military head of state more than 30 years ago.
“Sir you are still not in the Villa, and you still did not make key appointments.
“There are some renovation works taking place in the Villa. Security agents are also sweeping the vicinity – and all the nooks and crannies. The marabous are also doing their work. When they finish, we will go in. On appointments, I was initially waiting for Joda report so that I would see who they recommend for me to appoint SGF, Chief of Staff, PPS, etc. Now that they submitted the report, I will find time to read it all before making a decision. Nigerians should exercise some patience.
“But it is 800-page report… Isn’t it too much?
“I will read it all before I make decision.
“Baba, are you happy with the emergence of Saraki and Dogara as Senate President and Speaker of the House of Representatives respectively?
“Well, Senator Bankole Saraki and Yakubu Dogari are not legitimate members of our party. Defying the order of our party shows that they were doing the bidding of another party. They shunned meeting with me and one of them called ‘Osunbade’ mere commissioner. This is the highest form of indiscipline
“Some people argue that your trip to UK few days to inauguration was uncalled for…
“But I was called for the meeting. Sir Windson Churchill’ invited me to see him at No.10 Down Street… (cut in).
“But Sir Churchill died long a go…
“Sorry, Premier David Cameroon’. So there is no problem since we discussed ways of fighting corruption and insurgency.
“Sir, what is your plan for power generation. Previous government’s deregulation policy brought into existence different distribution companies…(cut in)
“Wait please! What we know is NEPA, and nothing more. Our administration has plans to generate power through ‘new-clear’ energy. You know some people when ‘new-clear’ is mentioned, their mind goes to ‘new-clear we-phones’. Well, when NEPA is available, Nigeria’s economy will certainly grow.
“Is it true that the FG withdrew charges against Timpreye Sylva?
“Timpreye ‘Silver’ is not yet convicted for corruption. I cannot direct my ‘Anthony’ General or anybody to withdraw the charges. Moreover, I didn’t yet appoint anybody as minister. And my association with him is purely political. I cannot interfere in matters of corruption. I will run an honest and transparent government. As William ‘Shakes-fire’ said, ‘No legacy is so rich as honesty’.”
“What are your plans towards persuading OPEC to lower oil production bar so that Nigeria can benefit?
“Evan yesterday I spoke with President Salman of ‘Mecca’ to see ways they can help Nigeria. Nigerians should give us a space.
“Are you removing petroleum subsidy once and for all?
“What is subsidy?”
