2015: It is still our turn

I do not like the allure of power. I am not carried away by the limitless reach of the presidency. My head does not swell when traditional rulers whose palaces I dared not enter now stumble over themselves to pledge allegiance. It is our turn.

What if former presidents scramble to their feet for me? It does not touch me in the least. And there is nothing special about presiding over federal executive council meetings where we enrich our friends and brothers weekly. It is our turn.

It is not my fault that governors tremble when I glare at them. That I terrorize the local terrors does not make me haughty. The long list of diplomats, special envoys and multinationals waiting to see me every day has not gone into my head. It is our turn.

That every mouth rings out with raucous laughter when I tell dry jokes is expected. Is it my business to be amusing? That influential politicians croon my praises to high heavens is nothing unique. I know that what they really want is that juicy ministerial appointment; that powerful commission; that coveted ambassadorial posting or that much sought-after oil block. It is our turn.

That I can wake up one day and fool an entire region with promises of a Second Bridge does not bother me in the least. It does not matter if this happens to be the second time I am launching the same project, or that it may never be completed. The padding will buy the region’s votes with change to spare. It is our turn.

Just by simply nodding, my dogs nicknamed EFCC, ICPC and CCB can go after anyone I choose. But that is no reason to smile with pervert pleasure. That I know the secret bank accounts and supposedly hidden properties of all governors, ministers, law makers, military officer and judges gives me no sadistic satisfaction, nor the fact that I can use the information when I need to – for elections or otherwise. It is our turn.

Talking about elections and electoral empires! They said the man was a radical. Radical rubbish. The moment he entered a farm that didn’t belong to him, I knew we had him cornered. He will only declare the results we want. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother to campaign; see how he jumped to endorse the last election. He will do the same next year. We have himbadly cornered. It is our turn.

Good thing I uprooted that Sanusi chap. Useless prince. How can he eat at my tableand then call me a thief? What is his problem with $20 billion? Did the money come from his long-vanished groundnut pyramids, or how does he imagine we are funding “Operation 2015?” It is our turn.

What is their problem if my pretty Dizzy uses private jets? Is it because she modestly chose not to buy one? And what is this noise about oil theft? They do not understand that making our turn worthwhile requires a direct route to the source of our wealth? By the way, who told them it is theft? Can you steal what is yours? It is our turn.

Nigerians misunderstand Mama Peace, but she has absolutely no interest in power. Was she a politician before the call to duty came? Come to think about it, what has she done wrong? That she invited 30,000 of her ‘fellow widows’ to shut Abuja down for just one day? Mind you, I’m very much alive and intend to remain so for a long time. It is our turn.

Nigerians! How gullible they are. When things get too hot, invite a few of them to Abuja and throw them a big bone. Add a few shreds of meat to the bone and it’s a National Conference. While they are there going back and forth without purpose, I will have hoodwinked Nigerians until 2019, perhaps longer. It is our turn.

They say I am not very bright, and I laugh. Let them keep saying I cannot solve insecurity, unemployment, decaying infrastructure, falling education and growing poverty. What has that got to do with my ambition? Did I create unemployment? Am I the inventor of corruption? What is my problem with poverty – was I not born poor? And how can I tackle Boko Haram when I didn’t create it? They can finish killing themselves if they want to. It is our turn.

Nigerians are all missing the point. Whether they like me or not, and by hook or crook, I will remain president for one reason: It is our turn.
Commentators about Nigeria find themselves repeating the same issues over time. It is sad reflection on our polity that this piece, published on this page about a year ago, still addresses the same fundamental issues with minor revisions.

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