Samuel Ansaeso, an Efik of the Calabar origin, a lawyer and mother of two is the author of the new book on marriage and relationships titled ‘’Unveiled’’. In this chat with ENE OSANG, she emphasised the need for truthfulness in relationships.
What inspired you to writing a book on relationship?
I came up with several manuals on relationships, marriage, house keeping, children and I realized that I in two years I have built up scriptures for marriage and relationships. It all came like a joke; in September 2015 somebody jokingly advised me to consider writing a book, another asked me to keep all my manuals that they would become useful one day and then I realised that I should write a book.
I had done something like a satire on politics before but feared it may get into wrong hands and be misinterpreted so I just kept that but I started writing this book in chapters and before I knew it, I have written a book of 350 pages.
Tell us about the book
The book ‘Unveiled’ is written to show people the reality of marriage and relationships. We have been hearing lies about marriage but there are salient points that we don’t get to hear because nobody talks about it. But this book exposes all about relationships like what they need to know, hear, what is necessary, raw and how the can make better use of it.
Marriage is sacred, do you think it is proper exposing everything about it?
Yes I think so because we have lived in a very closed environment. As a matter of fact I have a lot of problems with people lately because I have been tagged to be too vocal, outspoken, real and raw but that is because I only know one direction to marriage which is ‘Truth’. People live in hypocrisy because they don’t want to hurt some people or undermine societal norms but then you have only one life to live, so while you still have this life it is best you make sure you have it together.
You speak like you have been hurt by marriage tell us about your experience
I got married in 2001 and I at first I thought I had married my best friend and could continue as friends with him, but unfortunately it didn’t turn out so. I was very open to my partner but no matter how you share the truth with your partner, if he or she refuses to do same you can’t force it because it takes two to tango. I realised that we were two of the same kind and also two of different kinds, one of us decided to grow up while the other refused to grow and this became a problem.
Each time I talk to people who I feel are experienced in marriage, to share my concern they always discouraged me with their response of ‘such matters shouldn’t be discussed outside ‘ and all of that. At the end I discovered I was just observing marriage instead of enjoying and living it.
As much as I was observing marriage there were people who were enjoying theirs and I wondered why mine was the way it was, I realised that we were not prepared to face the truth let alone live the truth, but as I grew older I decided to put a balance to it; I faced my Goliath.
I’m not trying to Mar anybody but I had the most unwilling partner who was not ready to make amends on any chance. At first I would quarrel, fight but I realized I was fighting the wrong enemy so I decided to start praying for change and eventually the change I needed came, I survived the change and faced my Goliath by writing a book.
Many women are bitter in marriage, what should be ideal thing for them to do?
The first thing I would advise is pray. As far as I am concerned, a man only marries a woman but the woman builds the marriage and puts up a home for that man. This sounds one sided but I would still lay the onus on the woman, the burden is on her to make her marriage work and the first steps she should take is to pray.
On that note what is your description of marriage?
Marriage is a name given to something that needs to be labeled but in truth, marriage is in the heart, in relationship for better or worse.
Why do you think people change when they get married?
If you love someone you will pray for the person and pray with the person. When you invest in marriage you reap the results and when you relax you also reap the results of relaxation. Between husband and wife, marriage is your food, you invest in it but if you don’t make that effort particularly the world. Women you will have problems. The job of marriage is on the woman.
Any regrets not being married now?
I don’t have any regrets I am actually a better person today, my marriage was like an experience to me, like I said I don’t have intention to Mar anybody but I am speaking to you today on authority because I have tasted the inside and also I have come out to be an observer. I have used my experience to heal people, help their marriages, improved their relationships and so on.
Do you intend writing other books?
Yes in fact I am writing another now, but I write only on inspiration sometimes I just wake up in the morning or night to write. I always have a note and pen where ever I go so when ideas come to my head I quickly write them down. It does take time but in a couple of months I develop them and everything is fine.
Should writing be a career to venture considering it doesn’t really pay off?
Writing is passion, inspiration and sacrificial. The harvest will come, it might take a while but it certainly would come. Writing is like investing into people’s lives, it would yield results. The man who wrote the book on maths and statistics has God to be thankful for because he has produced professors and luminaries from just a book. It is an investment.
Where do you vision yourself as a writer?
I know I won’t deviate from what I am writing, I have been called upon several times to work on relationships, marriage and if I ever move from there it would be the family cycle which is the children. Basically I concentrate on family if I consider educational books it would be on social studies or English language.
How did you manage with funding of production, writing a book is capital intensive?
I started the project on my own, I put some money aside for this then those who assisted came at the time of the book launch but about two people supported the production.
How would you describe writers in Nigeria?
Nigerian writers are sacrifice givers, they are sacrificial and people who give their all because they write from the heart.
How do you joggle between being a writer and a lawyer?
Of course you know lawyers write a lot so for me I’m not doing anything out of place, I’m only expanding on the role , I’m managing both well because lawyers write a lot.