Maurice Chukwu
We beg them to run, contest, and re-contest, to continue ruling us forever. Some have been ruling us even before the days of Methuselah, some since 1985, some since 1999. Being a very religious people, we constantly fast and pray that they go on providing us with the constant light, security, free and quality education, good roads, housing, healthcare, and all the dividends of democracy they spoil us with. And, they have always provided us these amenities from the deepness of their kind, benevolent pockets, to the detriment of their persons, families and numerous business interests and associates. Yes, they have made their wealth before they ventured into politics, and they have always dug deep into their coffers to provide all our needs. So, we are right to beg them.
They have been unable to send their own children to school as they cannot afford to pay the fees. This is because they have spent so much sending our children to choice schools abroad – to Harvard, to Oxford, to SOAS. So, their children sit down at home, or some only manage to attend rodents-infested community schools where they struggle with snakes, lizards and scorpions for spaces on the dusty classroom floors, and receive their lessons from unenthusiastic teachers, who just resumed after a nine-month strike, and are rather concentrating on peeling egusi seeds in class, which they hope to sell after school to fend for their families – they have not being paid their meagre salaries for donkey months.
We beg them to contest because our rulers use their personal fortunes, which they had inherited from their pre-colonial ancestors to supply us the constant water and electricity we enjoy today. (Please, I didn’t say they were bequeathed with bans of yams and cocoa yams. I meant pounds, dollars, Euros. Mba nu, they didn’t inherit naira o; the exchange value was worthless then just as it is now). Now, they have no resources left to light their own houses. So, they live in perpetual darkness, sweat all night, and open their creaking windows to let air into their rooms. And instead of the putrid air, it is mosquitoes that sing for them, eerily reminding them of the forgotten lyrics of Michael Learns To Rock’s Sleeping Child. They suffer these because they have learnt to rock their comfort because of you, because of me, for their undying love for Nigerians.
We beg them to contest because without them we would be homeless: We live in and enjoy the warmth and comfort of the cosy houses, mansions and state of the art duplexes they built and graciously donated to us. (I mean cosy houses and mansions, not Cosy Orjiakor. I am not thinking of vain boobs here). The palatable mansions at Igbere, Bourdillon Road, Minna Hiltop, etc. are a few examples of the houses they built for us. Then, they live in thatched houses, like the ulo-aja-agadi-nwayi in my village. They pack themselves, wives and countless children in one-room apartments at Amukoko. Some of them sleep under the bridges. After all, housing has always been a key component of their 7-point, 14-point and 21-point Agenda. They sacrifice their comfort and die that we may live. (No pun intended). We live in Maitama, Asokoro, Victoria Island, Lekki, Ikoyi, whereas they live at Amukoko, Maraba, Okpoko and Ajegunle.
We beg them to contest, because we owe our sustenance to them. They feed us, clothe us, open their Swiss bank accounts in our names, and transfer ownership of their oil blocks to us. They provide us with imported marinated and pre-cooked pork ribs, oxtails, lamb chops, beef fillet steak and chicken breakfast sausages, while they eat dried-sun-scorched ponmo. They have even banned the consumption of ponmo, so that they won’t have to eat at all. They want to start fasting for our salvation. They’re also going to hide under ‘the hides and skins’ of the ponmo whenever hunger beckons, and dares to interrupt their fast. Then, they would use the hides and skins they’re hiding under to produce leather belts and bulala, to whip hunger off our bellies forever. Oh, how they love us!
Owing to our rulers’ surprising show of apathy, there was much wailing in the land. The people sought for their rulers but could not find them. The people would be doomed if our beloved rulers decide not to continue to rule.
This was not the trend during the 1964, 1965, 1979, 1983 and even the 1999 elections. Then, aspirants were sure of themselves, their capabilities, their intentions, their manifestoes, and the size of their pockets. Nobody, not even friends, family, or constituents begged them to contest, and they were not perpetually consulting on how to share our commonwealth.
All of a sudden, our rulers have become poor, impoverished like the majority of Nigerians they have maimed over the years. Yet, they still live in mansions, fly in a harem of private jets, move in convoys with a fleet worth over N200 million, and adorn the most expensive agbada, danshiki and isi agu apparels. One wonders what new ideas people who have been in government all their lives, held various essential positions in government, and yet made no tangible impacts can offer now. One also wonders what plans such individuals being begged to contest elections, and who are still consulting to run for president two or three months to the presidential election have to offer the country. This can only happen in Nigeria: Shuo, Naija no dey carry last now!
Chukwu is a Legal Practitioner based in Lagos
