CACU’s statement on looters’ list

The Nigerian Study Centre of Corruption and Allied Crimes University (CACU) wishes to state categorically that all the corrupt elements that have so far made the looters’ list are not products of this unique institution.

It is absolutely necessary to make this clarification in order to preserve the reputation (you may call it notoriety) of the university because our products are supposed to be too smart to be found out during or after their involvement in any corrupt practices.

CACU was established in Nigeria in 2011 as a Centre of Excellence for professional training and research in all aspects of corrupt practices and other related crimes in the country. The study centre was approved by the immediate past administration of Dr. Goodluck Jonathan, reinforced by his global declaration that stealing in Nigeria was not an act of corruption.

A letter of approval was issued by Nigerian Universities Commission (NUC), not National Universities Commission (NUC) which licenses and regulates the operation of regular universities.

CACU was not a new study centre per se when it was established in Nigeria. It originally existed in China but it had to relocate to Nigeria because of the hostile environment which militates against the growth of the industry in that most populous nation of Asia.

In China, it is death penalty if found guilty of corruption or abuse of office. That is a murderous and evil environment for corruption to grow.
The Study Centre is now rested because of the ongoing anti-corruption war being waged in Nigeria. We have studied the list critically and we are pleased to note that all our graduates have not been fingered. This is proof that they are good ambassadors of this great institution.

We are not surprised that no alumni of this great institution have so far made the list considering the fact that as students, they were well exposed to world class facilities for acquiring languid, deceptive and practical skills, techniques, methods and methodologies in all aspects of high profile corrupt practices mainly at the Masters and PhD levels. The university authorities considered it a waste of space running certificate, diploma and degree programmes. Nigerians have gone past those levels of kindergarten corrupt practices.

The Study Centre focused on producing manpower for the fast growing corruption industry in Nigeria… a nation where accountability was a taboo. It, therefore, adopted a deep and practical orientation by putting in place high-tech facilities in laboratory training for all categories of students. Our cardinal objective was to produce the first female trillionaire thief in Nigeria without being caught let alone face prosecution. We are pleased to say that we have since achieved that. It would be against the principles of the institution to unmask the achiever.

The Study Centre took off in Nigeria with three key departments, namely: Department of Unethical Practices and Embezzlements (DUPE), Department of Self-enrichment Without Sweating (DSWS) and Department of Stealing in Tandem with Ghosts (DSTWG).

The institution deliberately crafted the following courses to achieve its cardinal objective of infesting the country with the cankerworm known as corruption:
· M.Sc./PhD in Banking and Allied Acts Fraud (BAAF).

The students were to be well schooled in improved Cecilian Methodology which includes the use of nannies, drivers, cooks, “maigadis”, etc, (as conduits) to amass billions in Naira, dollars, etc, undetected. Remember the exploits of Cecilia Ibru?

M.Sc./PhD in Raising Ghosts to Swindle Employers (RGSE) of billions of naira in salaries and wages.

M.Sc./PhD in Perverting Electoral Justice (PEJ). This programme was reserved for serving justices and senior advocates who had mortgaged their conscience to the vice chancellor and founder of CACU Worldwide, Prof. Hermes (the god of theft) who was at the helms before Buhari struck in May 29, 2015.

M.Sc./PhD in Amassing Cash from Local Government Allocations (ACLGA). Only serving governors, deputy governors, commissioners in charge of local government and chieftaincy affairs, commissioners for finance and local government chairmen were eligible for this (lucrative) course.

PhD (only) in Absolute Tech Malfeasance (ATM). This programme was designed for ministers, principal officers of (all) legislative arms of government at all levels, chairmen and chairpersons of boards of parastatals, permanent secretaries, Directors-General, Accountants-General, Directors of finance, internal and external auditors of MDAs, special advisers and others in this category that are suffering from GATS or Gigantean Acquisitive Tendency Syndrome.

We make bold to say that our products cut across all party lines. They are in the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), the party in government that graciously approved the establishment of the institution.

They are also in the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) where most of them are the offshoots of the PDP.

They are also in and out of the military; in and out of the police; in and out of the evil service. Huh, did I say evil service when I meant civil service? Printer’s devil at work!

They are even in and out of the Villa; in and out of Government Houses; in and out of the National Assembly; in and out of the state assemblies; in and out of the judiciary; in and out of the third tier of government; in and out of the traditional institution; in and out of Customs; in and out of Prisons; in and out of sports; in and out of business circle. The list is endless!

We look forward to celebrating their happy survival by May 29, 2019, believing that a friendly government would return to power and breathe life into CACU. Long live CACU! Long live Corruption!! Long live Nigeria!!!

The above statement was issued and signed by the Registrar, Corruption and Allied Crimes University (CACU), Plot 419, Bodebru Avenue, Maitama, Abuja, Nigeria.

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