I was born into an orthodox church named Baptist. My fellowship with that denomination continued beyond my infantile churchmanship. I had my primary and post-primary education in a Baptist system… first at Kumasi, Ghana, which was my birthplace. When I was ferried out of Ghana to Abeokuta, I found myself at the Baptist Day School, Bode Ijaiye, Abeokuta, where I completed the primary education.
The Baptist system would not let me be. For my secondary education, I was sucked into the Baptist Secondary School, Iragbiji, in the present-day Osun state. There was no Baptist University at that time. If there was, I would have completed my academic peregrinations within the system… perhaps up to a PhD!
In those days, other denominations existed pari passu with the Baptist system. The Roman Catholic Mission (RCM), the Anglican Communion and the Sudan Interior Mission (SIM), not to be confused with a brand of cigarettes, also existed. Then came other factions like the Cherubim and Seraphim (C and S) known for their “Ayo ni o” slogan, the Celestial Church of Christ (CCC), among others. One characteristic of the CCC folks is their shoelessness. The system would perhaps have been a perfect platform for former President Goodluck Jonathan famed for his shoeless childhood.
Then came the 80s! The vociferous among them emerged from all the factions listed above… the Pentecostal churches. It was the late Archbishop Benson Idahosa with Pastor William Kumuyi of the Deeper Life Church in tow that introduced the Pentecostal system to the Nigerian spiritual space.
Idahosa named his church as the Church of God Mission or CGM.
Kumuyi, on his part, demonised electronic gadgets and asked his followers to distance themselves from what he described as evil contraptions. For those who had already acquired them, he decreed that they should make a bonfire of the infernal machines. That decree nearly dragged asunder the relationship between a colleague of mine and his fiancée when I was in Jos. His girl who became a fanatical adherent of Kumuyi ideology wrote my colleague to get rid of all his electronics or no deal. At first, he panicked. Then, he came to me for advice.
I told him to pass his so-called evil appliances to me for safe-keeping… and that I would secure some scraps from my electronics technician in order to trick her. I did and we set the scrap electronics on fire. The photographs of the incinerated appliances were then mailed to his naïve fiancé as a proof that my colleague had complied with her (absurd) demand.
I assured the poor guy that his fiancé would sooner or later come back to her senses, after which he could repossess his gadgets. She did.
The irony of Kumuyi’s preposterous decree is that today, the man of God relies on these same sinful means of communication to propagate his ministry, so to speak. Who would have known Kumuyi and his ministry worldwide without employing these so-called infernal apparatuses?
The coming of the Pentecostal churches has added a new dimension to churchmanship. Pentecostal folks see themselves as born-again Christians whose admission into the Kingdom of God is a foregone conclusion, while their orthodox counterparts are doomed.
The orthodox churches like the C and S and the Christ Apostolic Church (CAC) are in love with mountains in the belief that being on the spiritual or physical mountain (like Moses found himself) bridges the gap between man and God. Here are a few of them: Oke Itunu (Mountain of Comfort), Oke Iyanu (Mountain of Miracle), Oke Anu (Mountain of Mercy), Oke Ayo (Mountain of Joy), Oke Isegun (Mountain of Victory), Oke Igbala (Mountain of Salvation), Oke Adura (Mountain of Prayers), Oke Agbara (Mountain of Power) and Oke Ayanmo (Mountain of Destiny).
Then, there is the MFM (not to be confused with MMM).
The MFM is a negation of the alarmists’ pastime of old popular among kids, saying: “Fire on the mountain, run, run, run, run!” But at the MFM, it is fire on the mountain, come, come, come, come!
The Pentecostal environment is not as monikered as the CAC and C and S, though. The Living Faith Church is otherwise known as Winners Chapel, simple. Then there is also the Dunamis International Church (DIC). The first time I came in contact with the DIC folks was in Jos a few years ago. An arsenal of young men and women had accosted my wife and I somewhere in the Tin City as we sat in the car. They introduced themselves thus: “We are Dunamites!” That sounded like dynamites. If it were in the present-day Nigeria where suicide bombers are freely stalking the North, I would have hit the gas. But upon seeing the flyers they bore and the soul-winning smiles on their faces, I knew they were not human dynamites!
The Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG) is also as moniker-crazy as the CAC and the CCC. There is hardly any branch of the RCCG that does not bear an alias.
Here are a few of them: Beautiful Gate Parish, the King’s Parish, Prince of Peace Parish, Shammah Parish, the Porter’s House and the most interesting of them all… the Heaven’s Gate. This Pearly Gate moniker reminds me of my son’s reaction one afternoon while driving along with him to my mechanic workshop located along Bwari road in Kubwa, Abuja. As we cruised past a branch of the RCCG, the boy sighted the Heaven’s Gate signboard and some people entering the building and exclaimed: “Daddy, daddy, see people going to heaven!”
I burst into a guffaw and nearly lost control of the car. It took me time to explain to the boy that the Gate leads to nowhere, except to prepare the congregants to make heaven when they die.
Lest I forget… if you come across monikers like Oke Jeun Jeun (Mountain of Tummy Infrastructure), Oke Egunje (Mountain of Appreciation) or any such mountains, don’t hesitate to pen me.
Have a Mountainous Friday!
