Some women compare living with an angry husband to living near a volcano. One feels in a constant state of alert, constantly expecting for something to blow up. Even a small angry outburst can instantaneously throw you out of balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day.
The good thing is, you can somewhat prepare yourself to manage an angry husband that you have sworn to be with “for better or for worse”. If you allow me to, I’d like share with you a few things from a guy’s perspective. Usually these sorts of articles are written by ladies but no one knows guys better than… well, guys. Dogs know dogs best. :-)
This advice is based on the scenario that your husband’s anger is directed at you and not at a politician or his electricity bill. I have to warn you though; in order for this advice to be affective you will have to take one painful step. This will require you to put your own ego aside.
See, in order to cope with an angry hubby it is essential you do what is best for both of you. So, if you are ready to arm yourself with a solid mind-set and helpful skills then read on.
The mindset to deal with angry husband
1. Don’t be afraid of anger itself: Anger stems from lack of real power. Not having control over one’s situation. Look at it as a baby’s cry rather than a lion’s roar.
2. When you see his anger flaring up, try to see whether you had any role in it: Be honest. If you did, this will require one approach but if you didn’t then your priority becomes to show him where he misunderstood you, but NOT now.
3. Many times man’s anger is simply a habit, triggered by the most trivial events: It’s really not your fault he has a short fuse, no matter how he may try to brain wash you. His words and actions are his own responsibilities so never take blame for what he does or says.
4. Give up hope that you can control your husband’s anger: You can’t. Only he can. All you can do is control how you react to it and what it does to you. In order words, he can spit fire but you can shield yourself from it burning you.
5. Understand that, unlike what our culture is trying to portray, anger is a weakness: One of the favourite sayings of my spiritual teacher is “Big dogs don’t bark. They don’t need to.” Strong and confident men don’t need to bark; only the insecure and fearful ones do.
Quick Psychology tip: Men will get angry at their wives for showing emotions that they themselves suppress and afraid to show. When you start crying over things, it may evoke the same feeling inside and his little voice may say “Men don’t cry,” so what you may get in return is an angry outburst that will attempt to suppress your cry.
Techniques to deal with angry husband
1. Don’t put fire into fire: Anger has this funny trait – it’s impermanent. Let him be angry by himself, he will calm down eventually. If you put more fire into his anger it may last hours or days. Remember his anger will pass but what you say to each other while arguing may leave scars forever.
2. Address his anger when he’s calm: Don’t be surprised that you husband is still angry even when everything went according to his wish. Understand that the body is an energy system; it takes time for energy to settle. Usually it takes at least 20 minutes for the adrenaline to loosen its effect. When he’s calm, address his irrational behaviour and perhaps share one of the anger management techniques that “you learned for yourself” that will be helpful for him too.
3. Set your boundaries: Stick to them. The biggest mistake I see ladies make is that they do not clearly define what they will be willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries and making them known to your husband is one of the most effective anger management techniques around the house.
4. Pick your battles: The greatest generals know to only fight the battles they can win and don’t waste their resources on the ones they can’t. The less battles you fight, the more powerful will be the ones you decide to engage in. Not only they will pack a larger punch, you will be more likely take your husband by surprise and win the ones that really matter to you.
5. Do not tolerate condescending and dismissive attitude: It’s not constructive for him, let alone you. Let me say this again from a guy’s perspective – a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behaviour. If he knows he can get away with it, he’ll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over. It’s a nasty business.
This may sound a bit harsh but if your husband treats you like crap once – shame on him, if twice -shame on you. Actually it’s a disservice for you, as well as him.
Let me explain this way: if you take the abuse over and over again then you are practically training him that this is OK. Don’t tolerate this anymore, set your boundaries and throw a fit if you can to enforce them, send him into a little shock, it’s OK.
6. “I’m sorry.” This one is such a common sense that it’s ridiculous to even mention here but if you clearly played a role in escalating his anger then simply say “I’m sorry.” Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology.
7. Junk food matters: Ladies, let me ask you, What Is Your Hubby Eating? I can not stress enough how important diet is for good mental health. Hate to sound all cliche but we are what we eat. If he is eating total nutrient deficient junk food (fried, processed, trans fatty, sugary) no wonder his brain is on fire. A lousy diet and especially poor gut health can make any person insane, there’s plenty of research behind it, just look it up!
Want a quick fix? Seriously, want it? Introduce a ton of raw, fresh foods to your meals, exchange red meats for fish and poultry, juice veggies and local fruits (exotic are too sugary), get some super-foods, blend them, drink them, get some good supplements like Vitamin B complex, good Vitamin C, Omega 3s, quality multivitamin, drink a ton of water and walla! I promise you your guy’s mood and irritability will improve dramatically.
8. If nothing else works, then grab dough roller and knock him out! (Joking of course, I hear its illegal and may land you in some anger management classes.) On another thought, he may have one of those anger disorders or other brain related conditions that must be addressed by a professional. Perhaps you can convince him to seek some help from his doctor.
Generally speaking, it is wise not to get angry in response to the husband’s anger. If you weather out his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed he will likely be embarrassed about his behaviour and respect you even more.
Think of a day you launched into a moaning mode and observed an impressive salesman deal with your emotionally charged state in a peaceful and professional way. Didn’t you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that individual when all the things were said and done?
Finally, if all else truly fails and your husband is just making your life too miserable you have to make a difficult choice – do you stay in the relationship (because of emotional attachment, kids, property, etc.) or do you make a choice to let bygones be bygones and move on in search for quality of life.
Frankly, an abusive relationship does not serve anyone’s interests. When there’s a lot of anger in the house everyone suffers, you, husband, kids, even the pet fish Wanda.
Some Eastern philosophies have explored anger in depth and advise us to follow the way of developing awareness and avoiding automatic reactions to anger. Instead, they advise to take the take a better look at why that person is angry at you. Buddha’s words were: “By looking deeply you’ll be able to identify the reasons that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you’ll accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and won’t get angry in exchange.
If you are without blame then you can try to see why that person has misinterpreted you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true motives. By doing this you are going to stay clear of causing more suffering to oneself and the other person.”
Ultimately, it is you who has to be a beacon of patience and compassion around the house. You must become convinced and influence your husband that only compassion towards each other will save and sustain the relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and lifts all spirits to new heights of human condition. Strive for it.
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