I am going to become President of Nigeria; it is not a matter of if I win, but a case of when I win. I shall floor Jonathan, beat Atiku, defeat Buhari, and dismantle Kwankwaso, Nda-Isaiah in just one abracadabra. In one sweep I will. No matter the slide…I will win. I will resume at the Villa. Trust me plenty people will go to Jail…not for few months but for life. I will let Nigerians know that whether you are a government thief or armed robber, you are a thief and you will be made a sacrifice for all to see…no plea bargain.
In fact, the fear of jail will make you do…the Chinese pill (kill yourself as result of shame). In fact, talking of shame, I shall restore shame back to public and national life. That will bring back a sense of accountability and integrity (We wish). Just so you know now that I am canvassing your votes. There will be no courtesy visits during my tenure. I‘ll be too busy working and sustaining the developments that will come with my administration.
Nigerians will not only experience 24/7 electricity but will also enjoy the honour of formal announcements before power outages via radio and sms. The entire current DISCO, prepaid and post owed rascality will stop. I will reduce the current fuel pump price from N97 to N15. And trust me, more NNPC Mega stations will come on board almost at one per local government. We will tell our kids the story called “fuel subsidy”.
It will become a criminal offence for government officials to go abroad for treatment of boils they acquired from looting government treasuries. Public schools will once more become so attractive that no one will feel the need to attend Bells, ABTI, Covenant and co universities. The word strike will only be operational when dealing with external aggressors. My government will bend MEND by providing quality healthcare, water, access roads and waterways, clear oil spills and ensure a high level of compliance by oil prospecting companies.
In fact, I will ensure that oil is discovered in the North so that everyone can rest. I will banish quota, federal character and ban the use of public funds for pilgrimage to all lands whether holy or unholy. I will de-abujalize Abuja. States will be strengthened according to the capacity and pace of its people, no more cheating, it will be ‘make your money, chop your money’. No more subventions or allocations.
Governors will in partnership with the National Assembly try so hard to impeach me because I will cancel security votes and then make the position of a legislator a part time job. My administration will cease to bake cake, we will focus on chin-chin and no more wines, on the contrary we will all take zobo and kunu.
Under my administration Nigerians will spend coins again. My administration will learn, borrow and use technology from other lands, not all the current anomaly of Chinese bakery, Lebanese eatery and Indian shops. I will make sure that the resource curse also known as the paradox of plenty will be cured. There will be no oil wells for sale anymore. I will win and change will occur because I will pull in the everyday people, who all of a sudden will have nothing to lose and everything to care for.
Let me end with this tale: A man was hanging out and drinking heavily alone in a bar miles from his house at about 11pm. He decided to leave for his house but no taxi on that route at that time of the night, so he decided to hitch a ride home if possible. It started raining heavily and suddenly a range rover jeep appeared by his side. He quickly jumped into the passengers’ side and closed the door then the car started moving. Jjust when he was about to say thank you to the driver, he discovered there was no one in the car, but it was moving. He started to freak but was too scared to jump out of a moving vehicle. When the car got to a bend, a hand came in through the driver’s window and turned the steering wheel.
This happened twice and on the third time he totally freaked out, the drinks cleared from his eyes and he jumped out of the car screaming and landed in a ditch full of rainwater. He got up and ran for his dear life and entered the nearest bar he found. After downing 4 bottles of Guinness Stout and narrating his ghost story to anyone who cared to listen, three guys just walked into the same bar all drenched in rainwater. One of them pointed at him and said, “John, isn’t that the mad man who entered the car while we were pushing it?”
Will I succeed, hmmmmmm, I can almost hear that whisper in your heart say impossible, maybe I am equally drunk, because I shall be fighting forces both within and outside. It won’t be easy because I‘ll be touching the very core foundation of a system ridden with rot, but will I become President? Only time will tell.
