Okikiola Qasim
Marriage is one of the strongest relationships which Islam stresses, encourages and considers as one of the prophets’ practices. Indeed, Islam attaches much importance to marriage rulings, etiquette and the spouses’ rights in such a way as to guarantee marital stability and permanence and create a successful family in which children are brought up enjoying psychological stability, observing devoutness and moral integrity, and displaying excellence in various aspects of life.
There are extraordinary numbers of very learned undergraduates, graduates, post graduate, professionals, artisans and career intelligent women in their thirties single women venture to find men to set the cornerstone for a family, they cannot find suitable matches. Women in their late 20s and early 30s, urged to be educated all their lives, settle into their careers or studies, suddenly become less desirable mates to some men. They are dying in silence not because they are not ready or were they selective but many factors are responsible for been neglected, so to say and time is no longer on their side.
It appears that no one is talking about this or doing anything to save the situation. In another word, this has led to frustration and fear of falling into the wrong hands. The experience of these categories of ladies on the marital soul mate is worse than staving them to death and this led to their discouragement to get married and they preferred to remain single and be happy.
Will it be appropriate to say an unmarried woman will remain married happy forever without a man? The answer from Islamic point of view may be no, except for the established factors that is under the consensus of Islamic scholars which is in conformity with the Quran and Sunnatic dictate, otherwise, no any Muslim woman should remain unmarried.
We cannot but to dig into the factors that usually led to this epidemic. I call this epidemic because the Messenger of Allah (S.A.W) was quoted to have said if a woman is properly trained the repercussion of that is that the whole community is saved. Under this context, if a woman who is matured and ready for marriage could not be married man of her choice, if she is let loose, the whole community will not be safe in my understanding of the extension of the Hadith. And that is why it is an important, urgent issue that needs a national solution.
Moreover, some of the germane factors responsible for this problem could be checked out from the mentality that has overwhelmed the general understanding of the parents and our society which I call DEGREE MENTALITY. This degree mentality affects all genders but in this context, my immediate interest is on the mainstream of the problem which are women because of the limited time attached to their main contribution in an active marital situation.
Degree mentality is where by the parents make it mandatory that a lady must complete her Degree program before marital interest, eduction is important and it’s the bedrock of Islamic religion, no doubt about that.
The other side is to ensure their meal ticket is guaranteed but failed to monitor how to go about this holistically. May unmarried women met their waterloo based on their experience while pursuing the degree mentality.
This is as a result of urges and cravings for sex and pressure from men at this level in time which is also conditioned with unguided freedom and improper counseling. At the end, some of this ladies take vital discussion on relationship only by themselves and in collaboration with unguided peer groups that led to early exposure to family hood. Not forgetting the fact that there are indecent, immoral and infidel men in and around the institutions of learning. I have once heard a case of a lady who confessed to the fact that this kind of situation led to many young ladies to be deceived into so many relationships consciously and unconsciously, and when I mean relationship in this context, it means that it includes sleeping with different men all in the name of relationship.
Nevertheless, this issue affects our Muslim sisters and brothers in the campus to the tune that they are also victims of deceits like some of their mates in the other faith. This sisters and brothers are expected to have some level of control and faithfulness in them as Muslims, but when the sisters are willing to get married, some of the brother prefers sisters without Hijab or Niqab than them. This includes them in the market of unmarried women.
In other words, some of this ladies became architects of their own down fall. The worldly materials, power drunk, high level of selection and inexperience on the issue relating to marital status are also responsible to their unmarried status. This is because some of them gun for readily made materials.
Another factor that could be responsible for many of Muslim sisters not getting married as at when due could be as a result of environmental dictates which could mean the community of social climbers plus the norms of what the culture and traditional demands which will mean trying to satisfy all, maybe the consideration for men to take to their heels.
These are ladies that champion traveling to Dubai, Saudi Arabia, Paris, London and various big hotels and shopping malls in all the continents in the world for luxury items all in the name of marriage list. Definitely no matter how rich a man is or his family, he would be advised to think twice even if he does not yield to their advices, his earnings and resources shall advise him that he is about to hit the rock. This does not deter the fact that Islam encourages wise spending on our spouse.
Nevertheless, there are many virtuous ladies and men that spend their nights in supplication to Allah for a good spouse that seems not coming. The wrong or right cannot be determined in this aspect especially when it has to do with ladies. A Muslim lady is expected to be modest, courteous and reserved.
Thus, as she grows, all what nurtures her mind is a good man that deserve her good nature when in reality the possibility is very low. Truly in the Quran, Allah said a good man is for a good woman and a good woman is for a good man. Well, if her reserved nature is said to be one of the reasons she is unmarried then what will be her fault if she still want to be in her virtuous nature awaiting a man. Although, there is nothing like relationship or courtship in Islam like a boyfriend and girlfriend but our Islamic clerics and guardians that are meant to be marriage facilitators have kept to silence due to past bitter experience of match making.
We can’t but to also include the career goal in women which is also one of the major reasons for women not to be marries as at when due. It is the tradition of some men to be scary of a career woman with the notion that she may not be submissive. And some of the satanic perception of some men that once a wife is richer than the husband the relative peace and leadership control will be affected. I disagreed with such perception because the exemplary character of Saidah Kahdija in the life of the Prophet (S.A.W) should be emulated. She was a rich and successful entrepreneur woman who never undermine the position of her husband.
Meanwhile, it is a shame to say many Muslim men with a richer woman end up abandoning all the home affairs in the hands of the woman and still oppress them to be submissive and injuries or emotional torment inflicted on them if not compromised. Such men are not the true worshiper of Islam. And as matter of facts, this should not be an excuses for abandon the career professional ladies to their faith and rejected their hands in marriage.
It should be our goal as Muslims to stand in defense of our unmarried sisters, because to many of the sisters, they are tired of the carelessness attitudes of the men on the subject matter. I want to believe the leadership role shouldered on Muslim men over the women by Allah must not be neglected. The matter is serious and serious solutions is highly required. These sisters are not finding this issues simple but they are dying in their silence.
One of the leading Islamic marriage counsel organization in Nigeria, Baynakun family counsel, headed by Ust AbdulFattah Adeyemi once said: the Muslim single ladies affairs is becoming unbecoming, he said it has gotten to a situation where three different single sisters would approach a man with only one wife with the concept to be married to him at the same time and they would be ready to support such man with all that its requires. Otherwise many of these sister may not be married.
I therefore want to set agenda for the Islamic scholars to intensify further explanation on the solution designed by Allah that is embedded in the holy Quran which is the permission for the men to marry more than one wife, with the fear of Allah.
I was careful not to have dwell on these solution from the beginning of this article, with the fear of misconception of the problems facing the subject matter. But as Muslims, Quran is our final solution to any problem in this world, therefore, women must also learn how to face this fact and tender in obedient to Allah has the best solution to the Muslim single lady unmarried palaver.
Parents are also encouraged not to use their own interest to deter the marriage process of their daughters as against the dictates of Islam. Proper understanding of the danger ahead of this must be put in the right perspectives.
I rest my case.
