The Dinomyelitis pandemic

It is customary in medical circle to name diseases after their discoverers. It is a primordial tradition. One example will suffice here: Parkinson’s disease. It is an incurable movement disorder named after James Parkinson, an English physician and politician who first gave a description of the sickness in his famous write-up, “The Essay on Shaking Palsy”, published in 1817. About 10 million victims worldwide are on the shakes from Parkinson’s syndrome and it is mostly common among men. The United States of America alone is home to over a million of the victims. Ironically, James Parkinson died of paralysis at the age of 69.

Now, to the topic of the day: Dinomyelitis. This disease is my coinage. It is derived from polio, known in medical circle as poliomyelitis, a feared disease that cripples millions of children worldwide annually. It can also lead to death. Dinomyelitis is equally dreadful as you will find out later. But unlike its forerunner that cripples kids, this plague targets adults only.
Dinomyelitis has been around long before now, anyway. Recall that in June, 2010, the House of Representatives was embroiled in a commotion when a group known as “The Progressives” pushed for the removal of the leadership of the House, alleging corruption. Determined to achieve their objective, the cabal headed by Hon. Dino Melaye engaged the rest of their colleagues in a free-for-all. At the end of the fracas, some members of the group were beaten up and had their dresses torn to the pants. One of the victims was a female honourable member. She was womanhandled and dragged all over the floor of the house.

Consequently, the “progressives” were suspended from the House indefinitely and their offices sealed off while investigation was instituted into the show of shame.
Dino Melaye, as we all know, has graduated to the Upper Chamber expected to house mature and serious minded people. How the rambunctious Dino was able to outsmart Senator Smart Adeyemi in the Kogi West 2015 Senatorial joust still baffles me till date. The controversial nature of Dino has followed him to the “Assembly of Elderly Gentlemen”.

In any case, Dino does not see himself as an elder. In fact, he is not. Is he a thug? He comes across as a bouncer, shielding the Senate President, Bukola Saraki, from imaginary harm anytime he appears for trial at the Code of Conduct Tribunal. His fierce loyalty is extended to the wife of the Senate president, Toyin Saraki, whenever the need arises at the EFCC where she is being investigated. He sticks to the Sarakis like the hunch on the back of a cow!

Aside from being a bouncer, does he also pass as a wifenizer? Wifenizer is my coinage for someone who desires to bed another man’s wife. Remember the altercation between him and a fellow senator, Oluremi Tinubu, the wife of the leader of his party, Senator Ahmed Bola Tinubu? In a bid to gain the upper hand, he swore to perform a miracle – impregnate the grandma already on the wings of menopause. Phew… what a Senate!
The controversial Dinogate is now a familiar story. Senator Ali Ndume representing Borno South Senatorial Zone had stirred the hornet’s nest by calling for a probe into the pandemic (oops, I meant academic) claims of Dino based on the revelation made by the Sahara Reporters and the PUNCH newspaper to the effect that his credentials were questionable… the most controversial being his first degree in Geography obtained from the Ahmadu Bello University (ABU), Zaria.

Dino also boasts of two other degrees obtained from the Havard University in the US and the London School of Economics, claims that have been repudiated by the two prestigious institutions. Dino was a prodigy who should go into the Guinness Book of Records for finishing his primary education at age four, the age I was enrolled in primary one in faraway Kumasi, Ghana!
According to the investigation by the two media outfits, the ABU had no record of him as a graduate of the institution as affirmed by the examinations officer.

The Senate Committee on Ethics and Privileges was mandated to sniff out the truth. Consequently, the vice chancellor of Dino’s alma mater was summoned to appear before it to authenticate or invalidate his claims. The vice chancellor affirmed that Dino who enrolled as Daniel Jonah Melaiye actually graduated with a Third Class in 2000.

His traducers claimed he did his youth service a year before!
Dino is also a dancer and a singer. Following his clearance by the committee and the six-month suspension of Ndume, he broke into an old song tune apparently to mock him: Aje kun iya ni o je… Aje kun iya ni o je… Eni ti o to ni na to n’de na deni… Aje kun iya ni o je, meaning a weakling that lays an ambush for a strong man will receive more pummeling. Has he had the last laugh? Or will (Aje kun iya…) be his swan song? Let us keep our fingers crossed.

Also threatened by the plague is Col. Hammed Ali (retd), the stone- faced Customs boss. His rigid stance which has denied some highly placed Nigerians including NASS members access to free exotic cars, is the reason for the threat. Ibrahim Magu, the controversial and fiery anti-corruption czar, is also not spared of viral attack for giving some “thieving” senators sleepless nights. Boboye Oyeyemi, head of the Federal Road Safety Corps (FRSC), is attracting the plague too for introducing the speed limit device. Dino loves fast cars. They say speed kills. But speed thrills him.

Finally, the Third Class dude is so pissed off by the recalcitrance of President Muhammadu Buhari particularly over Magu’s confirmation saga that he is now eyeing the Presidential Villa come 2019. I know there is a vaccine to prevent polio attack. But none yet for Dinomyelitis! I think Mr. President should start shopping for one to inoculate himself ahead of 2019 presidential battle.

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